[	Current Mood	|	HURRY UP AUG 21st!	]
[	Current Music	|	Switchfoot (as usual)	]

Or maybe not...lets see how I feel by tha end of the entry.

So in 13 days I leave for school. Even tho I currently have no dorm assignment, I will be on Kent State's campus on the morning of August 21st. I can't wait! But I will be completely honest...this is tha first major test of my faith since I recommitted last month. Sure last summer, we faced similar circumstances. Last summer, tuition had not been paid until the day I moved in. But at least I had a dorm assignment this time last summer. Ah oh well. God keeps telling me that everything will work out, so why am I freaking out?

I'm getting kinda annoyed and impatient with all of this...yeah I know it's a bad thing to say that I'm annoyed with God...well okay not neccesarily annoyed with HIM. But I'm annoyed because all I want to do is move in and have everything turn out fine!

So let's talk about a more serious subject...boys...and sex...ha ha

So umm allow me to be transparent. But then again, usually I am.

For those of you who didn't know...me and my father haven't exactly been close since I was about 12 or 13. Yeah,I realize now how blessed I was to have him growing up. But at the same time, he wasnt really there for me. And me, seeking male attention, began to seek out guys to chase and it became a conquest thing, I thought I had all the power, cause I got to choose tha guy. 9th and 10th grade I began to chase boys, and I thought I had the upper hand. Boy was I wrong. The guy I spent the most energy on chasing was the main guy who hurt me. And it took me nearly a year to heal from what happened with him. By the grace of God, and despite everything I've been through, I'm still pure. Cause I wanna be able to give my husband something that no other guy has had. Sure other guys have gotten my heart, broken it, etc...but that special part of me, I'm saving that!

Sex...see I'm such a romantic. I have always dreamed of my first time being with the perfect guy, and having THE WORKS...rose petals, candles everywhere, etc. And for me, I've ALWAYS dreamed of having my first time with my husband. The only person who EVER came close to touching that was Nate. Not in him being husband material, but he was the first and ONLY person I ever considered having sexwith outside of marriage. Yeah I loved him that much. But I didn't think that the love was a good enough reason to have sex with him. And after talking to my sister today, I'm so grateful that I didnt. I'm not gonna put my older sister's business out there but she was basically passing some wisdom along to me, and you know what, I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH!!!! She's been there as someone to talk to and look up to when there was no one else around. And I'm so proud of her for raising my nephews and goin to school...she graduates in DECEMBER from nursing school. Go sis!!!!

I digress..but anyway...I'm through chasing boys. This year is all about ME. Time for me to finally be selfish and do things for me. You don't know how hard this summer has been, trying not to reach out to my exes for comfort like I usually do. Trust me, I still love Nate...but I'm not ready to talk to him. I'm not the same person that I was when I dated him. I've changed too much. I may call him before I leave...maybe next week, to see him one last time. But I dunno...I'm just not ready to talk to him, it's been like that for the past few weeks now.

Aight, I'm through writing a book ha ha. But really...consider this...God knew what he was doing when he said "No sex before marriage." Because there is such a bond that is created once you have sex with that person...one not meant to be broken. And besides...why settle for imitation (sex before marriage with the wrong person) when you can have the REAL THING? (your husband)